


Forget-Me-Not

by RecluseWriter



Category: Library of Ruina (Video Game)
Genre: Blood, Gen, Mental Breakdown, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 22:29:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29989785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RecluseWriter/pseuds/RecluseWriter
Summary: Yan finds some courage.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 8





	Forget-Me-Not

_ I'm really just pathetic. I'm curled up in the damn bathtub crying my eyes out. And for what? Self pity? Pity that I just can't jam a knife through my throat and choke on my own blood? Hehe….Would I even die from choking first or from the sheer amount of blood loss? It doesn't matter anyway at that point. I'll be dead. Ha….My wrists itch again. Blue...purple...black…..red! What did I expect? I scratched at it and tore open the scab. Bleeding and bleeding. They still itch though. I already tore some open...it wouldn't matter if I tore the rest open too…. _

Blood dripped into the bathtub, adding a dash of color to the white fiberglass. Yan laid back down, resting his arms at his side. The whole room was pure white. All of it painfully blinding. Yan closed his eyes as they normally were.

_ Insane asylums are usually white. There's padding on the floor and walls meant to stop the patients from hurting themselves. But here, everything's hard and cold. I could trip and break every bone in my head. Even if I didn't, I could make sure I land on the back of my head. Brains all over the floor, brain fluid draining out all around me. Is it slippery? I don't want Esther to come home and trip and hurt himself. He should be home soon. I don't know if I want him though. No...stop it. None of this is yours. This isn't your bathtub. This isn't your floor. This isn't your home. You have no right to dictate what you want from others. Esther will come home when he wants to. When he does, I'll have either cleaned myself up or he'll find me like this. He gave you a spare set of keys in case you need to rest…....I need a knife.  _

Yan stood himself up, stepping over the side. Being careful not to bump into anything as he had not turned on the lights. He had still not grown familiar with the layout for Esther's house. Dragging his hand along the wall to balance. Bathroom was down a hall across from the bedroom. It was a single floor home, at least that is what Yan believed as Esther never mentioned there was one an upstairs. Up the short hall he went, keeping to the right side. Reaching the end of the wall, he debated whether or not to open his eyes again. He hated doing so, yet he had just done it before. There was nothing to be afraid of seeing in here. It surely was far better than the memory that played in his head. 

_ The kitchen was to the right. It was open into the living room. No dining room, just a table and sofa with a bookshelf. Here. The counters are so tall. I can still reach the drawers, thankfully. For some reason, Esther kept all the utensils in a drawer, even the knives. Strange, but it makes getting to them easier. Um...the drawer was the third one on the right side...First….second...third! He set blades facing inside, making the handles…...Where are they? I'm sure he said that they were here. Did I count right? One….two...three…Yeah this is the right one. I'll just check all of them………...No knives.  _

Opening his eyes, he quickly glanced around the kitchen. All the drawers had bits of blood covering them. His sleeves had been rolled up, allowing for the blood to drip everywhere. It wasn't a complete mess, but still it would be a mess to clean. Wanting to have time to clean up, Yan became more rushed. On the counter was a knife block. It was pushed back against the wall. 

_ Damn….I need one. Esther doesn't have any chairs around. I could try climbing on a cabinet door. I’m not heavy.  _

Picking a cabinet in the counter, Yan opened the door, pushing down onto it testing its strength. He set his foot on top of it, using his hands on the counter to support himself. After taking a moment to balance himself, he lifted himself, placing his other foot on top of the door. A sharp pain shot through his wrists, blood gushing out. His arms shook along with his legs. Managing to squat down to help with balancing, Yan turned his attention to the knife block. Full of knives ranging from a paring knife to a butcher’s knife. Setting his sights of the largest of the set, he took a deep breath before reaching for the knife. Successfully, he was able to grab said knife. Unfortunately, Yan’s foot slipped off. In the way in which it did, the bottom of his pant leg got caught on the edge. The edge cut all along his leg, up to his knee. Yan bit his tongue in an attempt not to scream. Stepping off the door, he sat down on the floor, putting his right out in front of him. The gash wasn't deep nor was it just a flesh wound. Though it was a definite open wound, Yan had no intention in cleaning it. Using the door to help himself up, Yan grabbed the knife from the counter that he had dropped. He dragged himself back to the bathroom, limping all the way. As he walked back, he noticed how much he had actually gotten on the walls. 

_ I'll clean it up later…..Later….I need to get this out of my system. Ah….come on...just get yourself to the tub. It'll be easier to clean up. Ow…. It's fine. You're stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. You put your foot too close to the edge. You slipped and paid the price for it. You deserve it. All the damn pain. Weak, pathetic, a waste of oxygen. You work so hard to change things yet you have done nothing in your life. Wait..haha...I have done something. I've killed people, stolen, and destroyed things. All of it damaging. Not one thing I have done has been positive.  _

Finally reaching the bathroom, Yan walked in, holding the door handle, debating as to whether or not to lock it. Settling for just closing, that's exactly what he did before walking over to the tub. It was set into the wall diagonally from the doorway. He stood in the bath, pulling the curtain behind him. He placed the knife next to him. Yan took off his suit jacket, tossing it onto the floor. Rolling up of the sleeves and his right pant leg. 

_ Just a little bit….yeah…..I never cut with this big of a knife. I don't know what happened to the small one I had. It was in a sheath that I kept in my pocket. I need to buy a new one soon….Nevermind...Just focus...just a bit…….Why doesn’t it hurt? Maybe I have to go deeper...Hiss...It hurts but its not as much as normal. I think I can go a little deeper. Hand stop shaking. You’re not scared surprisingly. Why? I really don't really feel anything other than pain in my leg and little in my wrist. It's strange...I don't like it. I'll try my other wrist….Nothing….. _

Agitated, the cuts became deeper, yielding only a minimal amount of pain. Taking the knife to his gashed up leg, he still found no satisfaction.

_ It doesn't hurt...it doesn't hurt...Why the hell doesn't it hurt!? _

The knife stabbed into his calf, finally getting the pain he wanted. Yan stared at it, a smile creeping onto his face. Instead of pulling it out, he cut through more of his calf. Whines and yelps were muffled into his bleeding wrist, only one or two slipping out. Leaning against the side of the tub, taking a chance to breathe. The normal fear he would feel having done so much damage to his body was non-existent. If anything, he was a giddy.

_ Hehehehe…. I'm not scared. I'm not scared that blood is pouring out of my body. I'm not scared that I might have cut my femoral artery. I'm not scared I could die from this. I could die from this….hehe….. _

Yan sat back up straight, bringing his left knee up to his chest. Knife in his left hand and his right wrist resting on top of his knee. Wrist facing upward with a knife facing back down at it. A simple hard stab straight through his wrist. He was unable to suppress his cry. Yan pulled it out only to do it again, having still not gone into his knee. Now laying down, he rested his hands along the top of the tub sides.

_ I feel so light, so...happy. I can do it...I can do it…. _

Suddenly, the curtain was pulled back with Esther looking down at him. Immediately, he bent down, scooping up Yan in his arms. The knife had fallen to the ground catching Esther’s attention, but paying it no mind. A giddy, giggling Yan rested his head on Esther’s shoulder, hands and arms laying on himself. 

_ Esther, I’m fine. I promise. It all hurts so much, but it won’t hurt for long. You don’t need to worry. Esther, you’re going to get blood on your clothes, though do you even care? They are probably already blood soaked. Hehehe…..Hey Esther, where are we going? You didn’t lock your door. Someone’s going to break in. You don’t have much to start with. You don’t need the only things you have stolen. The pain in my leg is getting better! See? I told you….Hey Esther, what color is your eye? It looks black yet red at the same time. It’s cool...huff...huff. Esther, I feel tired. It’s hurt to keep my eyes open…..huff...huff. I don’t usually keep them open for so long. I’m….huff... going to close them for a bit….huff..Esther...huff...why do..huff...look….so…...worried……. _

_ _________________________________  _

  
  


The room in which Yan woke in was more dull than the white bathroom he was in previously. Partially thankful that it wasn't so harsh on his eyes, but so very spiteful. No bright reds of hell nor a sky blue of heaven. Not even pitch black darkness. Ruling out those options, Yan closed his eyes. 

_ The only time I wasn't scared….the only time I'll ever will have the courage….Esther had to show up. In movies, those who have failed attempts always yell and shout at the ones that stopped them. They always are mad that things didn't go their way. That they were stopped from finally taking control over everything…. _

A hand gently took hold of his upper arm. Glancing over, Yan saw the familiar gloved hand of Esther. He wasn't on the side of the bed, but instead curled himself around above Yan. His legs hung off the other side of the bed. Unable to tell whether he was asleep or not, Yan tried best not to move. Unfortunately, Esther was already awake. 

"Yan?"

He lifted himself up on his arm, look down at Yan. A very tiny smile formed on Esther's face, followed by him stroking Yan's head. Yan kept perfectly still and quiet. 

_ I don't know what to say to you. I'm mad, yet I'm filled again with self pity. I want to strangle you, but not kill you. I'm not mad you stopped me. I'm mad I wasn't far away from anything that could stop me. I brutalized my body badly. I haven't even tried moving anything, so I don't even know if I crippled myself. I don't have money to pay for replacement limbs…. _

"I see someone woke up." 

The doctor walked in, closing the door behind him. Esther sat up, Yan attempting to follow suit only for the pain in his wrists shot through them, one more so then the other. 

"Yan, please just re---"

"Proxy Esther, help little funesta prop himself up."

Hesitant to grab by his arms, Esther opted for picking him up by his sides. Slowly, Yan was brought to a sitting position, partially leaning on Esther. The doctor pulled up a stool, crossing his legs as he sat.

"Now, Yan, you did a bit of damage to yourself. The two large gashes on your right leg. One around the calf and the other stemming from your ankle up to your knee. I did happen to find bits of wood in that gash…. though that matters not now. Continuing on with the injury list. Lots of cuts to both arms, wrists, and legs. Cuts on the left leg are faded. And most importantly of all, the stab wound through your wrist. Surprisingly, you missed your radial artery. Of course, there's nerve damage at every wound, but you should be able to move everything. I took care of everything and bandaged everything up. We know your arms and hands work with some pain, now we just have to see if your leg works. Try pulling your leg up to your chest and wiggling your toes."

As the doctor had listed off all Yan's injuries, he noticed Esther's grip on the bed sheets was progressively getting tighter. Tucking the thought away for a moment, Yan did what he was asked. Toes worked properly along with his knee though with a lot of pain which had been visible as Esther patted his shoulder and whispered “Don’t hurt yourself more.”

“Everything works...it just hurts..”

“As to be expected! You’ll need some physical therapy for a while…. and some psychiatric too….. ”

“How much will everything cost? I don’t--”

“Not to worry little Lebensmüde. You won’t have to pay a cent. A prescript was given to me saying that I have to treat any and all members on the Index free of charge.”

_ Those damn Prescripts...Why can’t they just let me die? _

Tears dripped down Yan’s face with no attempt to wipe them. 

“Yan--”   
“Leave me alone...please.”

“You think--”

“Proxy Esther, give him a few minutes. Come with me for the time being.”

Esther gently placed his hand on Yan’s shoulder only for Yan to jerk his shoulder away. He sighed before getting off the bed and walking to the opposite side where the doctor led him out of the room. Finally alone, the tears started truly falling. Through the pain of his leg and wrists, he rolled over and laid face down in the pillow. 

_ I can’t die in a world where all there is death. Weak, pathetic yet I can’t die. I sat out in the Backstreets at night, sweepers surrounding me. What did I do? I ran away. Doesn’t my heart communicate with my brain? In my heart, I want to die. I want to die so bad. For so long, I rotted away in my body, unable to fix it. I don’t want help. Help won’t help. Nothing ever will. _

___________________________________________

The water was up to his waist. He stood there staring out of the water, listening to the soft waves. He knew Esther was staring at him, but paid him no mind, he's been doing it far more recently, to the point where he was basically attached to him by the hip. 

"Esther, it's cold out. You are going to get yourself sick."

"Likewise, Yan. You are standing in the cold water. You can not afford to get sick." 

"Yet you're letting me stand in it."

Silence. A small laugh came from Yan. 

"Don't you have a Prescript that needs to be carried out?"

"No. You have Prescripts to deliver, do you not?"

"I do not. I'm taking a break. It's peaceful out here."

Esther walked up next to Yan, taking a deep breath. 

"It is nice indeed."

His hand moved to sit on Yan's shoulder. Yan jolted to the side, stumbling backwards. 

_ I don't want to talk about it. Don't ask me to talk about it. Don't tell me you're worried. You show your concern and I want you to stop. I can handle everything on my own. There are my issues. Mine and only mine.  _

"Do you want to tal--"

"Shut up. Please just shut up! I don't want to talk about it. Can we just pretend what I did never happened?"

Esther sighed. 

"Yan, could we sit on the beach?"

"....why?"

"I'm not asking you to sit next to me. Just to sit on the beach."

"Sure…"

Yan turned and walked in front of Esther who followed behind with a bit of distance between them. Trying not to use his hands too much, Yan struggled to sit himself down while Esther watched. It went on for about a minute before Yan caved in. 

"Esther, could you help me?"

"Of course. Does your leg still hurt when you bend it?"

"Yes, but not too much."

Esther sat down behind him and grabbed his hips. Slowly he pulled Yan down, giving him a chance to straighten his legs out before being placed in Esther's lap.

"There. Are you alright Yan? Are you comfortable?"

"I am fine though I do believe you said we didn't have to sit next to each other."

"I did indeed. I can move if you prefer."

".....no. Stay."

He sat up straight while Esther was partially leaning over to rest his head on Yan's. 

_ This feels nice. The wind is picking up. It's not too bad but both of us are wet from standing in the ocean. I can't even wrap myself in my cloak. That's the only thing good the Index ever gave me. Now thinking about it, my leg didn’t hurt too much standing on it or at least I didn’t notice it. My head thinks too much about dying to pay any mind to it unless it can result in me dying. _

“Did you tell Gloria and Hubert what happened?”

“No. It’s something you need to tell them yourselves when you're ready.”

“Heh...You’re not going to lecture me about how I should talk about what led to the incident?”

“No. You won’t listen to me if I did. Besides, you are well aware of the importance of it yourself.”

“.....”

“Let me see your wrists.”

“I didn’t cut--”

“I still want to see them.”

Yan sighed, holding out his wrists to which Esther rolled up his sleeves to reveal his still bandaged arms. 

“These aren’t the same bandages I wrapped on this morning.”

“Yes they are!”

“If I were to unwrap them, I’d just be able to undo what I did, correct?”

No response.

“Yan…”

“Please don’t worry about it. Esther--!”

Esther hugged Yan to the point of suffocation. 

"You tried to kill yourself. I walked into you bleeding out in the damn bath. I had to watch you close your eyes, horrified that you wouldn't wake up. I laid next to you, listening to you breathe because you barely made a sound. The doctor told me that it was likely wasn’t planned. Why do I think I have rarely left you alone? I’m scared if I do you’ll try again and that I won’t be there to help you.”

He wasn’t crying, far from it, but he was so emotionally hurt. His hold on Yan only got tighter. Yan felt something be slipped gently into his hand. Now in his hand was a small blue flower.

“It’s a Forget-Me-Not. If you ever want to talk about anything, just give it to me. That way, you wouldn't have to say anything.” 

________________________________________

“Yan~ Yan~ I missed you so much~ We’re going to get some lunch~ You haven’t eaten yet, right?”

In normal fashion, Gloria was headpatting Yan while the two men watched. It was an enjoyable ritual, but Yan wasn’t focused too much on it. 

“I haven’t.”

“Wonderful~~ Let’s go~ Esther~ Hubert~ Come on~”

Gloria was already off, wasting no time. Hubert followed behind, not wanting her to get too far ahead. The two others trailed behind. Yan grabbed Esther’s hand before quickly letting go. Esther glanced over at him, but Yan had started trying to catch up. Lifting his hand, Esther looked to see an old, decaying Forget-Me-Not. 

_ Yan, I don’t know what’s going on in your head. I don’t know what made you snap in that moment. All I know is that you hate this world. You don’t want you to be here. Myself, Hubert, and Gloria care about you. Whether you were too scared to ask for help or you thought we didn’t care enough doesn’t matter now. You will never be forgotten.  _

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
